The Count Down

My surgery is on the 4th, prayers appreciated, for wisdom, for doctors that know what I need, for the right medications,and for the right treatments. I'm not sure what lies ahead, but I'm preparing for whatever it is, I really want to be prepared spiritually most of all. I am really thankful for all the support from those I fellowship with in my community and those I fellowship with online. I want what my heavenly Father wants, I have Shalom (peace) about this. :)

I had an emotional meltdown last night, it's been 6 days since I found out about the thyroid cancer. EVERYTHING came out, I was so upset my whole head, face, throat hurt, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to die, I had feelings like I just wanted to, not in a suicidal way. I felt trapped, confused, overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless. When I finally calmed down, I kinda felt like I needed that, I'm sure it won't be the last time I feel that way in this journey. I had been doing research on all this cancer stuff, a lot of it, and listening to other people telling me "this will cure it, that will cure it, here, there, yes, no" What I need to do is be still, and talk to my Abba, connect with Him, and find out what He wants, and trust that He will give me the wisdom I ask Him for and that He will lead my steps, my choices in all of this. 

Whenever I would ask the question 'why', my foster grandfather would always respond with "Y, is a crooked letter". This always stuck in my mind, and one day I found myself asking my Heavenly Father the same question, "why", and I heard those 5 words again, in my head "Y, is a crooked letter". 

‘Because Y’s a crooked letter and neither you nor I can straighten it’.

 ‘Why’ is a little word which often seems to cause conflict, provoking a defensive response. Somehow, and to some extent, ‘why’ can make us feel under threat and therefore feel the need to defend our position.

7 months ago, I had a car accident, which totaled my van, it wasn't my fault, it was a poorly marked area of construction and it was at night, that accident lead me to have x rays done because I was having headaches, just last month I found the results online, that I wasn't informed of, it said that something was found in my thyroid, I had a CT scan, and Ultra sound, and then 2 biopsies, one on a nodule in my thyroid and another on a lymph node near by in my neck. 

Thursday November 12th, I was scheduled for surgery (for a totally different health issue), the lady called my name to be registered, and I went up to the counter, she said, "your doctor wants to speak with you first, she is on her way up here".

 I knew what that meant. I had spent a lot of time researching my symptoms while I anxiously waited for test results to come back, I prepared myself for the worst, even though what I was reading said it's rare. I have thyroid cancer, that is not so easy to say, or admit, it seems surreal to me. Being a child of the One True King, sometimes gives you the impression that you are untouchable. 

I beat myself up quite a bit over that accident I had, 7 years driving and not one accident, or ticket. I think the reason I was so hard on myself is because I didn't understand why it happened, or was allowed to happen, our Heavenly Father doesn't do anything to harm us, but He does allow things to happen for a reason, and He does bring about good out of every bad situation, so I felt I finally got the answer, if I had not gotten into that accident, I would have never known there was something wrong, that just blew me away. 

7 years I had that van, 7 months before I realized something was physically wrong, 7 is our Abba's number, it means completion, completion of what, I don't know, maybe the end of one season, and the beginning of another. 8 means new beginnings. 

I have not asked YAH, the "Y" question, lol, I learned my lesson, I am the type of person that questions everything, but this time, but this time I'm doing my best to lay this at HIS feet, and ask Him to lead my steps, give me His wisdom to make the right choices, i'm sure there is a lesson to be learned, or an area I need strengthened, I'm sure He will make it clear what the reason is, in His time. 

December 4th is my surgery, my doctor said she needs to remove my thyroid and the surrounding lymph nodes, I am not sure how I feel about this, or if I even want it done, i'm wrestling with this big time. I realize I need to change my diet, cut out the sugar, and i'm drinking more water. Until next time!